She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
