I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
