Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
