I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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