YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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