she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
