my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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