even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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