Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
