You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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