I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
