this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
