I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
