this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize