my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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