i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
