It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
