Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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