I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
