can we get nightvision for the apartment?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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