I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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