Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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