my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
