yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
