My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
