im drinking this country out of the recession.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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