the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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