Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
