I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
