my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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