So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
