i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
