see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
