it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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