I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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