just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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