The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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