I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
