Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
