I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
