Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
