are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize