this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
