i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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