I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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