Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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