pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
