Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
