I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
