the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
