Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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