my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
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