I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
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