Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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