Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
