You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
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