just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
