So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
