I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
you inspire me to be a worse person
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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