I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
