I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
