i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
