just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
