i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize