we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
