my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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