Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
