I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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