my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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