i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
